Learning how to parent adolescents
I have been learning a lot as parent. Parenting kids in middle school presents new challenges and a different set of skills than consoling boo-boos or breaking up fights.
Their concerns are emotional and social, and as a parent you start to take on a consultant role rather than an enforcer.
I have found that, by this age, when it is something they are struggling with over and over again, the time for punishments is past. Both of you think together, why are they doing this? What are the triggers? Encourage them to pray and ask for help. Try solutions, and then try different ones when those ones don't work. No matter what, don't get angry at them if the don't succeed. In a lot of cases, they are just as frustrated as you! As part of an adolescents' development, they believe that everything revolves around them and don't realize that other people have been through similar things. It's so helpful for them to hear your experiences and how you've struggled with something similar, or even hear of someone else or solutions that worked for them. As an adult it seems obvious to you, but you have to remember that for your preteen they have absolutely no background or history. This is the first time they've ever encountered this problem!
The next thing I've learned that has helped me immensely has been to not give in to their catastrophic thinking. It can be scary when a kid says, "I'll never get better at this!" or "I prayed and got no answers for this!" As a parent you can start to spiral and think that everything is crumbling or also believe nothing will ever get better. But as a parent you know better!!!! This is the gift of your life experience and being older! Be an example of confidence for your child that is lacking confidence. They need this. Show confidence that the Lord will answer their prayers, even if it wasn't immediate. Then, when they think of solutions, help them see that this is the Lord answering their prayers. No thought is too small. When working with adolescents, the number one thing I have learned is to counteract their anxiety with confidence, no matter what their anxiety may say to you.
The next thing I've learned is that you do need to address it. If you notice your kid developing bad habits or whatever it may be, early adolescents is the time when you absolutely can make a difference. This is when you can explore those triggers and develop counter measures. The habits are not that engrained, and they are still interested in overcoming them (rather than staying the same), and they are still interested in pleasing their parents. There is a lot that you can do to help. Don't let this time pass by and wait until they are a lot less interested in what you have to say. Ask them about their progress. When they make progress, no matter how small, acknowledge it and congratulate them. Act as a consultant on their progress rather than someone enforcing a schedule or solutions on them. When they get small successes those build over time, helping them feel confident and encourage them to keep trying to change. You take that progress away if you enforce the solutions on them. They are empowered when they implement the changes themselves.
