To know me

After I wrote about seeing the Lord's hand in the past 34 years, I wondered what a list of just my spiritual turning points would look like. What would my list contain, and what would be the biggest life-changing events that taught me and changed who I was? Here is that list.

When I was 14 I took a bigger interest in spiritual things. I loved Seminary, and found so much joy in EFY. I loved to write out my thoughts and feel the peace in quiet spaces. As I was growing to adulthood and then in the busyness of college, this type of writing took a back burner in my life which resurfaced once I became a mother.

I married Ben when I was 20. I'm not sure what he saw in me, but he was everything I wanted. Kind, easy going, nonjudgmental. In general, I was not those things when he married me. I used sarcasm to mask my judgment of others. I was full of pride and thought I was better than others, and looked for ways that proved I was superior and that others were doing things wrong. But through his example, and his occasional gentle but straightforward correction, I learned to see others the way he saw them. 

Being married to Ben has been unique in so many ways. One of the things that he has taught me is to own my choices. I am responsible for how I feel. I am responsible for my actions and what I say. When it comes to your testimony, "talking the talk" is not as important as "walking the walk." I have grown exponentially because of it.

When I was a young mother, I started a blog and started sharing my spiritual thoughts. I thought the way I thought about spiritual things was pretty typical and average, but I came to find out that I was different. People thought I was spiritual, and in a way it made me more spiritual.

In my 20's we lived in a ward with a lot of "hip" and "enlightened" people. Oftentimes spiritual or educational knowledge was intermixed at church and in conversations, and at that young age it was hard for me to discern between truth and error. I started to question the validity of certain scriptures, or wonder if they were misguided. I felt I knew more than others knew. I felt I was kinder and more loving than others. For a month or two I lived in this space, but I began to see I was losing something I dearly loved. It woke me up to something I desperately knew I didn't want to happen in my life, and I actively worked to stop believing the things that took me away from what I had been taught and knew to be true. About this time we moved to Kokomo, Indiana and I felt it was a tender mercy of the Lord. It did not take long to rid myself of these deceptions from Satan. After this two month experience, I was filled with MORE light and MORE peace and MORE knowledge than I had ever previously had in my life. I'm so grateful for my Savior, and to be a part of His church on the earth!!  

In my 30's my two oldest brothers left the church. It was a heartbreaking experience for our whole family, and absolutely for them as well. It left a deep mark on my testimony, in complete opposite of what it did to theirs. I felt bound to love others the way Jesus did, further strip myself of pride, and never mock or demean others again. In short I had a deep desire to be a true Christian, and not one in word only. One of my brother's reasons for leaving was because he felt others were insincere, and Christianity didn't "work." I knew he was wrong in my heart, and it caused a switch in me that giving my life and wants over to Jesus Christ was all I ever desired. 

When we moved to Kokomo, I had a really difficult time. Our housing situation was uncertain, I had no friends, and I had a really hard toddler that made day-to-day life so difficult. In general I had never had the greatest self esteem, and with all of these negative factors, I felt really low. Slowly over time the Lord taught me about myself. He taught me about my true identity. He taught me how to repent and be free of guilt. The torment of low self esteem haunted me no more. I feel it is a huge gift I have been given! I reflect from time to time on this weight I no longer bare, and how He took that away for me.

Despite "dwelling in a tent" i.e. renting for 5 years, we had so much happiness. We generally loved where we lived, loved growing a family, and were happy.

While we were renting, and then again as we have been remodeling, there has been so much uncertainty. The Lord has taught me so much through the help of Come Follow Me and other resources. The Lord has taught me how to trust in him and not be anxious. I have so much hope now, and look forward to the future with faith. 

It's been so enlightening to learn from the scriptures and see God's dealings with his people. I learned from Joseph Smith about the numerous trials he faced, despite being "highly favored of the Lord." I've learned about the children of Israel and their difficulties including slavery, nomad living, and ultimately scattering despite cherished promises to Abraham (that will be fulfilled in our time!). In short every people in the history of God's dealings with Man has endured difficulty and hardship. I wanted to have my own record of God's dealings with me, a record of his goodness, a record of the times He has saved me and made more of me than I ever could. I'm so grateful for his lovingkindness and his mercy to me, and to you!