You can’t say that
I will forever be grateful for the way that Ben has shaped me. One way that he has taught me has been when he stops me from saying something mean or judgmental about somebody.
He would say simply, "Ash, you can't say that" or "Ash, we don't talk that way about other people." I guess since it's written out you can't hear the tone in his voice and it sounds like a command, but if you know Ben he's not a forceful person or one to impose his opinion on others. Because of that, this kind of no-nonsense stand he took early on in our marriage really changed how I spoke about others. And it certainly wasn't one-sided: he didn't talk about people that way, or say unkind things about others. It was a standard he believed in that he already lived in his life. These little reminders he gave me helped me remember the person I wanted to be, and reminded me that I had the power to refrain from judging others by refusing to share my judgments.
I am often in turmoil about how to react when others are being unkind or tearing others down. Is it more kind to say nothing and not be judgmental of the person speaking? Is it kinder to be a listening ear, rather than correct someone who isn't asking for correction? In the past couple of years as I've learned to drastically reduce my judgments of others, I've most often erred on the side of saying nothing. But remembering how powerful Ben's example was to me in changing my behavior, I think it's worth it to occasionally say to a friend you trust, in true Ben fashion in a kind but pointed way, "We don't say that."
I feel like it would really change our world if everyone refrained from judging others. Charity in thought is the goal, but even charity in word, especially by covenant-making members, would lead to a different, heavenly culture. My dad used to have a saying growing up, "To what defect in yourself do you attribute to your dislike of this person?" or in other words, What's wrong with you that is making you dislike someone else? And emotionally speaking, it's actually true. We judge others to feel superior to others. We judge others because we feel insecure ourselves and cutting others down helps us feel better about ourselves.
I think we have this thought that we HAVE to share our judgmental thoughts with each other because it's cathartic. When you are in the habit of always doing that, it is! But as one who's learned to do it less-- I can tell you that the less you share your judgmental thoughts, the less you feel the need to share them. The less you share them, the less you actually have those judgmental thoughts to begin with! And it's for a very good cause-- it improves your insecurities to not be constantly judging others' behavior, and it helps you see and love people the way the Savior does. It's about as 'real' as you can get. We can stop this habit and cycle and live in a heavenly society, simply by changing how we talk to each other. You don't have to say it!
